or ‘Don’t Hate Her, Hate James Bond’
In our first instalment we spoke a bit about What Women Want, with a few things to consider in approaching them. But what about what Men want? We previously established a commonality in the desire for Attention, but let’s skip ahead a moment to when you have supposedly found what you wanted and then it is suddenly all taken away from you. Nothing makes us more aware of something that made us happy than when we lose it. As such, the starting point for understanding what Men generally want may best be gauged by how we mourn in a breakup.
The truth is Men are simple. The main factor effected in a breakup is the EGO and, in truth, the EGO is primarily responsible for our being in a relationship in the first place.
The EGO: Asset and Achilles Heel
A fundamental difference between Men and Women is the drive of the EGO. That’s not to say that women aren’t driven by EGO as well, just not to the extent Men are. A simple means of illustrating this is to observe the differences in response between Men and Women when coerced to perform an ill-advised act via the use of the statement: “What’s the matter, you Chicken?”
Research has shown that when confronted with this statement, most Women will simply deny that they are “Chicken,” providing a rational argument against performing the ridiculous act, then ignore the statement altogether when it is repeated a 2nd time (as the statement should be for maximum effect).
Men, on the other hand, feel a driving need to disprove the statement – often by performing the very same ill-advised feat.
Men are much more driven by the need to serve the EGO than women are. This comes quite simply from the biological drive we have to be Alpha males (or, in modern terms: James Bond).
An Aside: Today’s women have become very difficult to please as a result of unrealistic media images creating unrealistic expectations. [And let me stop here a moment and say to any Feminists who may have taken a wrong turn and somehow landed up in this article: Yes, this does sound familiar! And, No, the irony is NOT lost on us!] Considering what today’s woman is looking for, it should be no surprise that the current James Bond is so popular.
Women now expect to find a man who: looks equally good in either tuxedo or bikini-briefs, can expound on philosophy and fine cuisine, while still being able to beat another man to death with a blunt object. All of this while still finding time to hold them tenderly in the shower – fully clothed in a three-piece-suit of course, because God-forbid you should get a little play after saving their lives from a machete-wielding madman.
Too much to ask?
Not necessarily, when one takes into consideration that Men are looking for a woman who will look like a Barbie doll well into her 60’s (if she really has to hit that age at all in her lifetime), who also strikes that impossible balance of being both chaste schoolgirl and wanton harlot, all while still wanting us, hair or none, six-pack or keg, and whether it is that we can only expound on domestic beer, or can also include imported in our repertoire.
The fact is that both sexes are getting more and more unrealistic and we can only hope that virtual reality is perfected before the two sexes become truly and completely disenchanted with each other and the human race fails.
But until then, we can still hate James Bond.
Leggo My EGO
The major source of propping up the EGO – or perhaps we should say, giving the EGO ‘props’ – comes from the opposite sex. Again, it’s a simple biological basis that the Alpha male gets the choicest female (like Bond…. only that fantastical Uber-Alpha gets several of the choicest).
If you don’t automatically get this ‘props’ thing, consider this – think of when you were single: you would see a smoking hot woman at a bar, but you would think “She’s out of my league.” Now think about when you were in a relationship and you saw that same type of girl. Suddenly she was no longer out of your league and the only thing holding you back from a surefire night of smouldering passion with a goddess was your commitment to the old ball-and-chain.
The difference wasn’t in the goddess at the bar waiting for double-O-you, it was your own self confidence. The fact is, having a girlfriend was a constant reminder that someone could find you attractive, laugh at your jokes, and mistake your love of 70’s sitcoms and obsession with Star Trek for a personality.
Your personal sitcom had canned laughter for every punch line. Your EGO had props on retainer.
If you’re simple and you’re arguing, “No, I loved her for the little things. Because she would make me spaghetti the way I liked!” (I can’t believe you talk like that) It’s the same theory. We’re not saying you weren’t in love. Why did she make you spaghetti the way you liked? Because she loved you? Yes, that’s exactly why. And every time she made it, the EGO would puff out its chest and say, “Look at that spaghetti! I’m loved!”
Now this is not to decry the whole concept of love, but simply to come to terms with the facts behind the heartache and hurt in a breakup. The fact is you suffer from ‘Withdrawal’.
Approval: the Drug of Choice
Whatever the reasons for the break-up, the residue fall-out that has you feeling like crap, the whole ‘rejection’ aspect of it, is driven by the EGO’s withdrawal from Approval. Your EGO is suffering. It needs a ‘props’ fix. You’re aching for approval. The problem is your Ex sold you a unique blend and now she’s avoiding you, like a two-bit snitch who sold her upriver, and you’re left jonesing.
Eventually you learn that the Ex isn’t the only pusher in town and that although she may have pulled the sales job of the century to get you onboard the Pineapple Express, fact is there’s a lot of blends out there, and one of them is going to be just right for you.
But you’re still chasing the dragon, which is one of approval for the EGO (it just can’t get enough!). The important thing is to acknowledge this, be aware of it. Understand too that there are other sources for approval which are not sex or female related (exercise, art, activities, etc.) that can boost your confidence and sense of well-being.
By acknowledging that Approval is a central driving factor and by being less desperate for that next relationship hit, it allows you to deal with it better, to negotiate from a stronger position, and to enjoy it more fully because it is a Choice and not a Need.
*A couple of things to look at for next time: Sex versus Relationships (because I know I didn’t get into the sexual factors here, which are worth examining). Also, the statement made likening male / female relationships to negotiations… more on that.
 The EGO is in all Caps, at all times, by insistent demand of the EGO.
 These acts may include: shooting gravy, licking an ashtray, eating gum off the floor, among many others.
 Shame on you Daniel Craig for spoiling it for the rest of us.
(P.S. Please note that, despite anything said, we are in fact big fans of Daniel Craig here at The Tangent)